Navigating Challenging Conversations. Three Helpful Models
Navigating challenging conversations is a bit like walking a tightrope. One wrong step, and you could easily end up in a high-conflict situation. How we approach these conversations can significantly impact the outcome and the relationships involved. Noticing what is happening can be half the challenge, and models can play a helpful role to be able to see what is happening. Let’s explore three models which could help to get us to a better outcome.
Model 1 Parent Child Relationship
If you adopt a “parent” stance, it might force the other person into a “child” position, making them feel like a victim. This is often started by:
Using accusing word like "you".
Asking "why" questions which can feel like you are being interrogated
Employing words such as "but" that can invalidate the other person's perspective.
And if someone else takes on the “child” role, you might find yourself stepping into the “parent” role without even realising it. This back-and-forth dynamic often escalates the conflict, creating a cycle that's hard to break.
The Solution: Adult-Coach Approach
The goal, is to adopt an “adult” position, a sort of coaching approach. This involves
Asking open-ended "how" and "what" question
Focusing on using “I” statements to describe what you’ve seen, heard, or felt. I can’t argue with your experience. Because, it’s yours!
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might say, “I feel unheard when my input isn’t considered.” This small shift can change the whole tone of the interaction, helps to reduce tension and encourage a conversation.
Model 2 The Drama Triangle
Our brains have a natural tendency to look for the negative, to make it about us, especially when stressed. When triggered, it can take 30 minutes to calm down. That trigger can often be because someone has spoken to us either as a parent or child (see above). The aim here is to avoid heating up the situation, which can activate the drama triangle, a destructive interaction pattern between the roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
The drama triangle has three roles that people can play when they're in a conflict or a tricky situation. Here's how the roles work:
The Victim This is someone who feels like everything is going wrong for them and nothing is their fault. They might say things like, "Why is this happening to me?" or "It's not fair!" They feel helpless and want someone to save them.
The Persecutor This person is blaming others and being mean. They might say things like, "It's all your fault!" or "You're always messing things up!" They make the Victim feel even worse and don't offer any help.
The Rescuer This is the person tries to help everyone but ends up making things worse. They might say things like, "Don't worry, I'll fix everything for you!" or "Let me handle it!" They mean well, but they make the Victim feel like they can't solve their own problems.
In this game, everyone keeps switching roles, and it makes the situation more confusing and harder to fix. To get out of the drama triangle, people need to stop playing these roles and work together to solve their problems in a healthy way.
In contrast, the Victors Triangle is a positive way to handle tricky situations, where everyone takes on helpful roles.
The Creator This is the person who looks for solutions and focuses on what they want to achieve. Instead of feeling helpless, they think, "What can I do to make things better?" They take charge of their own problems and work towards their goals.
The Challenger This person encourages others to grow and improve. They might say, "I believe you can do it!" or "Have you thought about trying this?" They push people to be their best without being mean or blaming. They help others see their potential and find new ways to solve problems.
The Coach This role is about guiding and supporting others to find their own solutions. A Coach might say, "How can I help you figure this out?" or "What do you think would be a good next step?" They listen, ask good questions, and help people come up with their own answers.
In the Victors Triangle, everyone works together in a positive way. The Creator focuses on goals, the Challenger encourages growth, and the Coach supports and guides.
What To Do To Move From Victim To Victor Set A Boundary
When the drama triangle starts to unfold, we generally have three options:
Pander/Rescue: This response implies the behaviour is acceptable and can be repeated. You might find yourself slipping into solution mode.
Continue to Argue: Engaging in an argument tends to escalate the situation further, potentially leading to a confrontation.
State the Boundary: This involves clearly articulating your boundaries and expectations. A useful technique here is Simon Sinek’s FBI (Feeling, Behaviour, Impact) method:
Feeling: Start with “I feel...” to express your emotions, which are undeniable and personal.
Behaviour: Describe the specific behaviours you’ve observed.
Impact: Explain the impact these behaviours have on you or others.
For instance, you might say, “I feel frustrated (Feeling) when meetings start late (Behaviour) because it disrupts everyone’s schedules and reduces our productivity (Impact).”
What To Do Implementing Boundaries
When stating boundaries, it's crucial to be clear about your expectations and what you're willing to do moving forward. Here’s a step-by-step approach:
When setting boundaries, clarity and follow-through are key. Here’s a step-by-step approach:
First Instance State the boundary using the FBI technique. Then ask questions like “What would it take to avoid this happening again?” to involve them in creating a solution.
Second Instance Remind them of the boundary and agree on a consequence if the behaviour repeats. Ask, “If this happens again, what do you think we should do?” to reinforce accountability.
Third Instance If the behaviour persists, remind them of the boundary, deliver the consequence, and, if necessary, walk away from the situation.
Model 3 Our Response to a Challenge. The stages of grief
Finally, when you raise a challenging issue, be aware that people often go through a range of emotional responses. Understanding these potential reactions can help you manage your own responses and keep the conversation going.
The stages of grief are the different feelings people might go through when they lose something or someone important to them. It's like a roller coaster of emotions, and here are the stages explained in a way that's easy to understand:
Denial This is when you don't want to believe that something bad has happened. It's like saying, "This can't be true!" You might feel shocked and think it's all just a bad dream.
Anger This is when you feel really mad about what happened. You might think, "Why did this happen? It's not fair!" You could be angry at the person who is gone, at yourself, or even at the whole world.
Bargaining This is when you start thinking about what you could have done differently. You might think, "If only I had done this, maybe things would be different." It's like trying to make a deal to change what happened.
Depression This is when you feel sad, tried, not wanting to do things you enjoy, and realize that the loss is real.
Acceptance This is when you start to come to terms with what happened. It doesn't mean you're okay with it, but you start thinking, "It's really hard, but I will be okay." You begin to find ways to live with the loss and focus on the good.
What To Do Accept How They Feel
Everyone goes through these stages differently, and it's okay to feel all these emotions. Listen, care, encourage talking, give space, keep checking in.
So next time you’re navigating a tough conversation, think about a coach approach. It’s all about creating a space where both parties can feel heard and respected. And who knows, maybe it’ll make those tightrope walks a little less daunting.